I Just Wanna Be A Girl!

So... one question I've been thinking about is how my semester abroad changed me. Sure... I learned how to be independent. I learned how to clean things and cook pretty well. I learned how to be on my own. I learned how to sit in silence.  But... there was something else that happened. I didn't notice it when I was abroad, but I have been slowly picking up on it when I got back home. I realized that I was meaner. Now... by that... I don't mean cruel. I mean I refuse to let people walk all over me. I take what is rightfully mine and don't regret it. I put myself first, when surrounded by people who do the same. I used to do everything people wanted me to, believing that I would get recognition for it. Now, I wasn't timid, but I guess I might be called a pushover sometimes. I wouldn't really fight for things, preferring to choose peace. But now... I can't seem to do that. I try to do that. I try to stay calm, but I rage.  My question is, is what I'm doing ...

So... disclaimer... I'm not gonna hide names in this post, like I usually do for the sake of 'anonymity.' This is for Shane, who started off as my senior and my friend.  Yesterday morning, I called him for a chat, like I do sometimes, and... by the end of the call, I was crying. I told Shane about how I was physically assaulted and how no one helped me when it happened and I talked about it. Shane was really upset that I didn't tell him about what happened earlier. (This happened months ago, but it still has a really bad effect on me.) He said that if I had told him, he would have come to help me. In that moment, it felt so nice to know that there was someone who cared, and someone who would back me. He stayed on call until the tears ran dry, and checked on me through the day.  But... little did he know that he saved me once before, too. One day, I was with the person who hurt me, someone I can't name because honestly, I'm still scared. We were off campus. Shane...

I didn't fall for you at once I noticed you The way you walk The way you talk  Your presence was persistent But quiet and calming  You loved me quietly  But I was blind to it  Your love was like gravity, holding me in place  Keeping me from the past I ran from  You didn't ask me to forget my past,  But you remind me that I survived I have memorized your eyes, in all their moods Your lips, forming words I can read before you speak  Loving you is like exhaling After years of choking  There was no performance or fear  No shrinking or hiding to suit you  You made me the woman I am  And protected the girl in me  Thats why... I choose you  Everyday, always and forever  I love the past version of you, the present, and will love the future  You are where my heart goes without being told, and it is where I stay

This was a topic of debate in my class yesterday. I was reporting the proceedings and thus didn't have a chance to speak. However, I am very opinionated about the topic at hand and wanted to talk about my stance.  As you probably guessed, I think AI scuttles creativity. As a creative writer, I believe that creativity and imagination are synonymous with human life. If you ask AI for ideas, they are no longer yours. If you ask AI to brainstorm for you, it's not you who is doing the work. Thus, you can't take credit for the idea.  AI is a tool. Yes. A tool to assist, not to do your work for you. For example, if you have an outline of a story, AI could be used to check if you forgot something. However, it should not be telling you to add more. If it does, and you choose to use those ideas, you can't take credit for them.  AI can be used to proofread and to tell you if there are any plot holes or gaps or tangents in your story. I use AI for such purposes. I give it a complet...

If you know me, you know that I'm really active in class. Now, this is something that has followed me from my school days.  So, back in school, I thought this phenomenon of being the only one to raise my hand and offer to read aloud in class was because of my interests. I thought it was because I loved reading and because I knew I was going to study English Literature, so I had to read. (This is the reasoning of a 15 year old girl, by the way.) I thought that my classmates in college would be like me; jumping to answer questions and at the opportunity to read aloud in class. I thought they would have chosen to study literature because of their love for reading. (That was my reason for my choice.) However, when I got to college, there were only a few people who took this course because they wanted to, and even fewer who actually regularly participate in class. I was thinking about this the other day and I kinda ended up rethinking my evaluative capabilities.  But... in the end,...

An age ago, my ancestors lived Their glory days As they built an empire Meant to last forever They nourished the land And taught the young With stories of their childhood To spread inspiration and hope They found me, a little orphan They adopted me Took me in and nurtured me Training me to take their place and carry on their legacy As they embarked on a greater journey They entrusted their kindom to the Others, hoping for good I, not yet old enough to inherit, Sat waiting in the wings for my turn The Others were cruel They took what was given for granted They forgot that this was to be my birthright As they shunned me and locked me away When it was their turn to leave, I expected to regain what I lost My dignity, respect, and rights Instead, the Others left the kingdom to their followers Leaving me an outcast, I yearned for my ancestors If they were here, no one would have overlooked me I would have been safe and protected Now, I seize what I can,  Knowing that it is all mine I bid...

I am fresh off the heels of my last Ethnic Walk in college. Wow... am I ever nostalgic. First of all... no, I didn't win a prize, but I think I won a lot more.  I feel so much more confident because of my opportunities to be on these stages. I have actually been observing what happens to me on stage and during practice, and I feel myself becoming a different person through these experiences.  I initially wasn't going to walk for this Aurora. This used to be a place I loved and laughed and rejoiced, but it had turned into one of isolation and despair. I thought long and hard about whether participating was worth it. The only reasons I could think of for not doing so were because of other people. On the other hand, the pros said that I would enjoy it and love it, and it would be a perfect farewell to my time here. I decided I owed it to myself to do this for myself. And so I did.  When I'm on stage... I lose myself. I get to be someone who is admired from a distance. People...

One of my seniors posted something on his Instagram story recently that got me thinking. He said that he thought people showed their true colors while on their 'college trips.'  I was wondering why that is. I mean... obviously he didn't mean what I was thinking about, but I found it interesting. Every time I've heard about stories of college trips, I hear about some massive friendship blow-up or some betrayal or devastation. But... these are the people you've spent the last 2 or 3 years with. Right? Why is it that those relationships crumble, especially if they weren't tenacious to begin with?  I think it's because people tend to put on a face and facade in front of their friends in college. In that sense, I mean that they don't really show their true, raw, unfiltered sense. People hang out with these people, and then they can go home, and they have a different life there. They can become different people. However, on trips like these, people are togethe...

There are so many ways to reinvent oneself. It started thinking about this because a new year symbolizes a change, and that change can be a change in one's self.  Now, that change could be many things. It could be a little resolution. It could be determination to achieve something that you have been looking towards for a really long time. It could be setting aside time for yourself, making sure that you aren't overwhelmed by things around you. Or, it could be bigger.  You might want to change yourself... You might not have liked the way you were the previous year, or the way people saw you and treated you. You might want to reinvent yourself in a way you like. Now, this is easier to do in a place where no one knows you. You get to pick who you want to be. You can be anything, and no one would know that it isn't who you used to be. But... even if you are stuck with people who have seen you before, you can still make small changes. Those changes will put your haters down. It ...

We've all gone through COVID, so we know what online classes are. However, my class and I never thought we'd have to go through them again in college.  So, for context, there is a conference going on in college, so the management decided to have online classes, so they could make sure to meet the required working days. At first, I was kinda looking forward to it, because it meant I got to rest and recuperate from my travels. Then... I remembered how it was back in 10th grade, when I had online classes all day. The days when "children, can you hear me?" and "why are you so quiet?" were the regular. Listening to those familiar lines was both comforting and jarring.  I prefer offline classes simply because they let me interject in between, during discussions. However, if it's an online class, I have to wait and ask if the teacher can hear me, then talk, which pretty much ruins the flow of their lecture and what I wanted to say. Second, I like being able to ...

As you probably know by now, I returned to MCC this week. When I entered my juniors' classroom, a bunch of the girls came running up to me. They told me how they missed me and invited me to sit with them for a while. Obviously, I did. They fed me idly with chicken gravy, which was delicious.  As I was talking, one of the girls said that I was her inspiration and that she wanted to be like me. I was a little surprised. No one had ever said that to me before. I wondered what I did to deserve that, and soon realized that I did. It was really nice to hear that (that is an understatement).  It reminded me of all the times I've talked about wanting to be an inspiration to someone, and it made me feel really good that I did it. It might not be a big deal, but I've always wanted to be that kind of senior. The one who helps out in times of need. The one they can look at and say, "I want to be like you."  I thought it was so amazing that I just had to write about it. I thin...

"You, child, are the spitting image of Arcadia." Andrea Morgan - born from a bloodline tied to the demonic wolf god - never asked for this legacy. Reeling from loss, she is visited by the daughters of war and must face enemies as old as time itself. She yearns to protect her family, old and new, and make her ancestors proud. Will Andrea embrace her destiny and take her place as the most powerful Alpha the pack has seen, or will darkness engulf her and the world? Sequel to the Siege of Dokkalfar, the Rebirth of Fenrir follows Andrea's life after the war with the Dark Elves. She has to face yet another world-changing threat, Fenrir, the original wolf from Norse mythology. The stakes are higher, and she has her work cut out for her.  I spent a really long time working on this book. It has been in the works since the first novel came out, and I've been working on it as I published my other books. I really wanted to make this book better than the last, making the stakes hi...

I loved going back to one of my favorite cities in the world, years after I last saw it. I went when I was around 9 years old. It's been over 10 years, and I had goosebumps as I laid eyes on it again.  I had three days there and was determined not to spend them staying at home, even though it was freezing cold. On the first day, I went to the Macy's day parade and then to a place I've wanted to visit for years. I went to Madame Tussauds wax museum. I wanted to go there mainly to see the Taylor Swift figure. Of course, I enjoyed all the other figures as well. Then, I got to go to Times Square and went to the M&M store again, which I went to once, years ago. I also went to a huge Disney showroom. I got to see lights that looked just like the Tangled lights.  The next day, I went to the MET museum, where the famous MET Gala is held every year. It was my first time going to a museum like that. Earlier, it was always science museums and my favorite children's museums. T...

  Happy Thanksgiving from the wonderful city of New York.  That's right. I'm in New York!!! Since it's Thanksgiving, I went to the Macy's parade. I was there with a friend's family. Our journey started from Jersey City at around 8.15. We took a Park train to 33rd Street and walked a little bit to get to a viewing spot.  It was super crowded. Obviously. But, there was this trash truck thing that people were starting to climb on to get a better vantage point. My friend climbed onto it first and then helped me scamper on. Now... It's a trash truck, so imagine my initial hesitation. But, once I saw the view, I was sold. I could actually see the floats and balloons. It was amazing. Eventually, there was a teeny spot to sit - on top of the trash truck. I sat down and settled in... Until... The police told everyone to get off the truck. It took me some time to get off. I couldn't do it the same way I got in. Well... There went my perfect view. After that, we climbe...

So... context first... I am spending a couple days in Dallas at a friend's house over Thanksgiving break, before I head off to New York for the rest of the week. (It's back to college soon).  Dallas is apparently known for having a mall where you can ice skate in. My friends and I decided to take advantage of that and tried our hand at skating. It was my first time skating, and it was definitely interesting. Did I fall? Multiple times. Did it hurt? Not too much. Did I keep going? Absolutely! So, getting to the story I want to share, we had all given our phones to Natalie Aunty, my friend's mom, whose house we were staying at. We had locked our shoes up in a little locker and she had the keys. So, she left to go find food (or atleast that's what we thought) and when we were done skating, she was nowhere to be seen. We tried to call her using a borrowed phone, but there was no answer. We waited near the rink for a little bit and then decided to split up to hunt her down. ...

You might be wondering what's so special about rasam. You might be so bored of eating it all the time. But for someone who hasn't had home food in a long time, rasam is divine.  So, I'm in Dallas for Thanksgiving break and I went to an Indian restaurant. My friend's mom bought a full veg thali, complete with rice, naan, and apalam.  A little while later, she was offering to see if anyone wanted her untouched sambar. Me being me, I said yes immediately. I love sambar, especially restaurant sambar. When she handed it to me, I sniffed it gently, just to know what was in it and to take in the beautiful aromas. I instantly realized that it was rasam. It felt just like home, when after a heavy meal (which I had) my mom tells me to drink a little bit of rasam.  I took a sip and it was like ambrosia to my deprived tongue. Again, it might not sound like much, but to me, it was exactly what I needed. 

For some context, TOTOCS means 'Trick or Treat on College Street.' Basically, it means that children and their families from around Longview come to LeTourneau University to trick or treat (a Halloween ritual).  I was so ready for this. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays ever. When the announcement came asking for volunteers, I stepped up immediately. I became the head of TOTOCS for South Hall. My job was to first pick a theme and second, collect volunteers for the event. I also had to order decorations and costumes within the budget they gave me.  The theme I chose was pirates. I got myself a costume, and I ordered a bunch of pirate-y decorations and accessories to go on our table/booth. The event was postponed by a week because of the ,weather, but I was still super excited for it. On the day of, I spent a good amount of time getting everything ready and making sure it was perfect. Now, volunteers were the hard part. I only have 2 people who confirmed that they would b...

This month has been super busy, filled with activities for Global Engagement Month, where international students represent their home countries and share their cultures with the rest of the college. I headed the Indian group, contributing to a total of 4 activities.  First, it started out with an Art Walk, where we displayed pictures and other art forms. I wrote a poem about Chennai, and one of my friends submitted a couple of pictures.  Second, there were the culture booths. These were booths where each country had an interactive art for people to take part in. There were friendship bracelets from Colombia, bookmarks from Mongolia, Korea, and opera masks from China. The Indian booth had mehendi, which a friend and I did for anyone interested. They were open for 2 hours on both days, and I am proud to say that India's booth was the most popular. By that, I mean that there was a constant flow of people wanting to get mehendi.  Third was the Diwali kolam. This was meant to ...

Today, I had the privilege of visiting a nearby school again to read stories to the children there. This time, I had 4 energetic second graders in my group. (They love animal books and I was well prepared).  Before the sesson, I went to the education department's little collection of picture books and picked out some fresh books, apart from the ones I had from the previous session. My favorite was the "Curious George." The reason behind that is that my little sister loved watching that series and I remember watching it with her. I knew I had to read that book to the children. Second, I picked out a book about Olivia the pig, for the same reason as before.  The third book I read was a little more interesting. It was a book called 'The Book With No Pictures.' At first the kids were a little hesitant, but I had just read that book last night and I knew they would love it. I was right. So, this book had one rule, that the reader had to read every single word on the pa...

Taylor Swift's track 5s are known for being very emotional and heart-touching. 'Eldest Daughter' from The Life of a Showgirl is no different.  I feel like this song is an anthem for every eldest daughter. The girl who has to be her parents' son, while trying to maintain her femininity in a man's world. She has to be reliable, and she can never let anyone down. They have to keep their word and set an example for everyone else. She can't express herself without feeling guilty that she is breaking her vows.  She had to grow up too soon, hiding things that she liked. She had to take care of herself when the younger child was born. She had to hide bad things from the other children, which is an incredible burden to place on a child.  When she says 'every eldest daughter was the first lamb to the slaughter,' it reminds me of how parents use their first children to learn how to be parents. They try things out on their first child and learn how to parent their n...

There has been a lot of controversy about Taylor Swift's new album, The Life of A Showgirl. People say it's not her best work. They say her lyricism is slipping and it's not 'Taylor.' They think it's not worth all the hype around it.  I, however, love this album. It shows people that she is happy. Taylor is known for writing devastatingly sad breakup songs. Her songs move people to tears all the time. She is known for catchy and upbeat tunes, and the lyrics are addictive. People think this album does not meet her own standards.  Who said happy songs can't make someone cry? The first time I heard the song 'Actually Romantic,' I was about to cry. This album shows that she isn't the broken-hearted girl anymore. She is moving on to better, happier times. At first glance, the album sounds ethereal. Even before you look at the lyrics, the music is calming and I felt my heartbeat slow down and calm down. I love that effect that this album had on me.  As...

Today, I finally had the opportunity to explore some of Longview. This morning, I thought the day was going to be extremely boring. I lounged around until lunch and then I started doing mehendi on my hand. (I upgraded from sketching on a book to sketching on my hand). One of my friends was in my room and I did some on her hand as well. She agreed to be my test subject.  Just as I was settling in, another friend of mine called me and asked if I wanted to join her and another friend to go thrift shopping. I hadn't showered yet and my hand had mehendi on it. But, I said yes. I quickly changed my top and ran out to her car. The thrift store was amazing. I found some cool clothes. Then we went on a quick grocery run. After that, she invited me to join in for pizza night and some games with friends. These were the people I went shooting with yesterday, so I was comfortable there.  After dinner and games, I asked if someone could take me to a store called 'Spirit Halloween,' where...

There is this club on campus called MuKappa. It's run by two missionaries, Uncle Tuck and Aunt Becky. They host pizza nights almost every weekend, chai nights, and international dinners. Today, they took us all to a friend's ranch to shoot.  It started out with a super fun ride in a pickup truck. It had a bench seat and I was right in the middle. It was amazing and such a rush. We arrived in style and I was greeted by a big, very enthusiastic dog. He came bounding over and almost knocked me over. We went out to the field and some people were already enthusiastic and ready to shoot. I, however, was a little nervous. I was sitting in the field, waiting, and the same friendly dog decided he really liked me. He came over to me again and I petted him. However, he wanted more. He climbed over me, stepping over me. It was hilarious and a bit too much at the same time. I leaned back, hoping he would leave, but he walked all over me. That happened again a while later.  Then, it was tim...

This morning, I had an activity in class. It was to list all the types of people at LeTourneau in two minutes. We were going to see who could list the most in this time. (I won by the way.) It was interesting to see how many different types of people there were, all in one small place.  I listed out things like 'where is your bag,' 'huge water bottle,' 'sleepy,' 'always on a call, 'texting,' 'chatterbox,' and others. It was really nice to see how all these people had friends who were opposite to them. For example, a sleepy and silent person was friends with someone very talkative.  Similarly, there are people from so many different backgrounds here. There are Americans, Texas natives, international students, and natives from a different nationality originally. All these people living together, interacting with each other, to create this community.  It was really intersting to list them out and then take some time to think about it. When I wro...

A bunch of my friends wanted to watch a Tamil movie today, something with a lot of action and stunts. Now, some of you might be questioning my choice, but... from the limited options I had, I selected Kaala.  I put on the subtitles and watched them become invested in the movie. They soon understood Rajini's aura. They laughed at the stunts when he fought off a horde of 'bad guys' with an umbrella. They enjoyed the songs too.  There were times I thought they might find the movie 'cringey,' particularly the punch dialogues. However, they understood them through the subtitles and clapped when they were delivered. Then, during the climax, I watched them on the edge of their seats, wondering what would happen. When the building exploded at the end of the movie, they all screamed in despair. Earlier, one of my friends said, "Notice how the hero doesn't have a single scratch on him." They tried to repeat the one-liners, even though they had no idea what they ...

As my friends and I made dinner tonight, we played some old Tamil music, from what we'd call the classical age (early 2000s). It has been so so long since I've heard these songs. As they started playing, a smile crept onto my face naturally. I loved listening to that music. It made me forget everything I was thinking about.  I started dancing in the kitchen, not caring who was watching or what they would think. The music was kinda loud, and I couldn't help singing along with it. My friends were surprised at first, as I don't usually sing when I play my music. Today, all I can say is that I needed it today. After a long day inside, alone, the sound of my music was all I needed.  One of the songs was the first song my dad ever played for me. That struck a nerve. Even as I was singing and dancing and 'vibing' to the music, I missed my dad and home. I remembered humming the song with my dad in the car when I didn't even know Tamil. 

I don't know if I will post this, but this is about someone I missed a bit extra today. My version of Captain Cool. I'm not sure if their close friends would describe them the same way, but this is how I view them.  Steadfast, Loyal, Trustworthy, Protective, Safe, Calm, Collected, Captain Cool.  I haven't really spent a lot of time with this person, but they are one of my favorite people in the whole world. They don't know this, but I idolize them. Whenever I get the chance to see them, I run into their arms without hesitation, and everything I felt when I missed them flies away.  As I said, even though we didn't spend a lot of one-on-one time together, their presence was reassuring. It was like there was always someone over there who I knew would come if I called. For a girl just learning to navigate the world, this kind of support system was very important.  The first time I saw them, I was scared, but eventually, it turned into admiration, appreciation, and affec...

So, this post is pretty ironic seeing as how I haven't been able to go out anywhere. However, my friends and I have been trying to make plans to go see the town. We wanted to go to the children's museum, the public library, the local mall, and stores downtown.  The public transport here is not really reliable. This one day, we tried to go to Walmart. We waited for the bus for an hour and the bus went everywhere but the bus stop outside the college. Next is Dollar General. There are two dollar stores newar campus, but unfortunately they do not have groceries.  We checked online for places to go nearby, and found things ranging from outdoor extreme sports to calming parks. One of these days, we will get out and see the town. Right now, I haven't seen anything outside campus.  I'm trying to keep posting continuously, but what can I say... staying inside campus all day is not really that interesting. 

My friends and I cooked dinner today. It was channa masala with rice. With us, there were some Americans who wanted to try Indian food.  After we finished eating, we were all feeling pretty heavy from the chickpeas. I already had plans to make something once we were done, that we could store for the rest of the week when we needed a reprieve from the cafeteria. Inspiration struck and I decided to make some fresh rasam.  You should know, I've only ever made rasam once before, and that was last week. Last week, I followed a recipe, but this week I couldn't find the same one I used last time. I decided to just trust my instincts. I set some water in a pot to boil and added some turmeric powder. I let that boil and cut up some tomatoes. Then, I added tamarind paste to the water. I let it sit for a few minutes and then added the tomatoes. I tossed in some chilli powder, rasam powder, and salt. Then I let that cook while I tempered some oil to add in. And that's that. I didn'...

Y'know when you've had one of those days that just keeps going on and on and on. You're tired all day. Your body feels heavy. You are surrounded by people, but you feel alone. You are constantly looking for something, but it's nowhere to be found. You inhale deeply, looking for a familiar smell, but you come up empty. Yea... that's the day I'm having today. I wasn't even sure what to write about, but I'm writing to stay consistent. (I should get some brownie points for this.)  Well... I did attend classes. No bunking. I finished all my homework for the week last night. (Here, we have homework for the entire semester, assignments and activities, planned out in detail so we can get them done on time.) I've got two essays to write. I might as well get started on that.  If anyone's reading this, send me a text please. I'm craving some human interaction from home. 🥺🥺🥺

My college here has an education department that was conducting this super fun activity. We were going to a primary school for a storytime session. (Does that sound familiar?) So, a bunch of girls and I, along with a professor, went to a nearby primary school, and we were assigned a small group of kids to read to. The previous day, we were asked to pick out a bunch of picture books that we could use to read to those children. I picked out about 8-9 books, as instructed, and put them in a special book bag.  The kids were so tiny and absolutely adorable. I had three kids in my group: Jeremiah, Zavira, and Armani. They huddled around me, trying to sit close and were very excited about the book I was going to read with them. The first book I read was about animal sounds. I asked the kids to make animal sounds and they obliged. As I turned the page and each animal came up, they interacted with the book by making the sound that the animal did. They tried to imitate me as I made the sound...

The theme of my English Composition class is 'play and precision.' For the past few weeks, we have been focusing on the 'precision' part of it, but today, my professor decided to let us 'play.' Quite literally.  He brought toys from home, like puzzles, dinosaurs, play-dough, coloring books, jenga, etc. He had them in a huge bag and handed them out to us. He called it 'play time.' The entire class of college students turned into their 5-6 year old selves and dove in.  After play time, he told us to look at some quotes on the wall and tell him what we thought of them. The quote I picked had something to do with make-believe being the heart of play, and the heart of the work we do.  The way I interpreted this was that make-believe meant imagination. We need imagination to play. For example, when we play with dolls, we give them voices and make them act out a scene. We imagine that something is happening in their lives. Then, we also need imagination in work...

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but there is way more homework here than I am used to. Back at home, the concept of homework in college barely exists. Here, I have to write about 8-10 papers in one semester, and about 6-10 assignments per week. That was a huge shock. I thought I'd have a lot of free time here to catch up on other things I'd been meaning to do.  From the very first week of class, we were given assignments and homework. For the first two weeks, I was drowning in assignments, unsure of how to plan and schedule, making sure I would have time for myself while also making sure to do all my homework.  Eventually, I realized that things would be more manageable if I took a few minutes to write down everything I had to do for the week, noting down which assignments could be done in a short time and which ones would take longer. I learned how to do my short assignments in the breaks between classes and in the morning before classes. Instead of doom sc...

Today, I wrote something out that has been on my mind for a really long time. It was something I was hesitant about putting out on my laptop. I was worried about the reception it would receive. I was scared about what people would say if they read it. I'd been holding back from writing it out for a long time now.  Further, the anger from that thing on my mind has kept me going sometimes. I was worried what would happen once I got it out. I expected to feel calm and relieved, like I had physically taken something out of my body. However, I was mistaken.  I expected to put my laptop down with a sigh of relief, feeling the anger drain out of me. Instead, when I typed out the last word, my eyes filled up with tears. Instead of providing me with catharsis, I ended up reliving those moments and the hurt and anger that had been festering inside poured out through my tears. Every emotion I had been holding back poured out and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  (PS... the w...

I am pretty hyper right now.  I had a super long day, but I am very energetic now. I spent 7 hours in the kitchen today, cooking. My friends and I made chapathi, potatoes, and cauliglower manchurian. It took us about 3 hours to make that and then we made cookies. Then we had coffee.  I have a lot of sugar in my system right now and it feels like I want to bounce off the walls to let some steam off.  As I'm writing this, I'm wondering how people get things done with so much sugar and caffeine in their system. To me, unfortunately, I felt even more tired after drinking coffee. I'd appreciate it if someone could please enlighten me on what to do... 

Today, one of my professors told me that in college, you can't plan things out and go accordingly. (This is for hanging out and going out.) So, my friends and I had our whole evening open until a couple of hours ago. We realized we had to go to Walmart for groceries, to a bible study at 4 pm, and pizza night at 6 pm. We were planning on doing nothing all evening and relaxing, but soon, plans fell into place.  So, I think planning is good. It tells you what needs to be done and when it has to be done. It also helps you when someone asks you what you are doing. You can look at your plan and tell them what you will be doing and when you are available. It helps you prepare and make sure everything is ready for an event.  However, a lack of plans is also rejuvenating. You can do what your heart desires, and you don't have any commitments to get things done (during that time). It lets you relax and pursue your hobbies.  So, what is better, having plans or not?

In my poetry class today, we talked about Robert Frost, looking at a lot of his poems. So, we've all heard 'The Road Not Taken' and 'Fire and Ice.' Right? I'm assuming yes.  So... today, I learned that what we were taught in school was just the basics. I thought Robert Frost's poetry was easy to read, understand, and analyze. Little did I know how much more there was. Today, I read poems like 'Mending Wall,' 'After Apple Picking,' 'Birches,' and others. Now, I thought these would be easy as well. At first glance, I understood them. However, as my professor taught them to us, there were so many nuances that I missed. There were so many personal connections to the author and so many symbols and connections between poems. There were also religious undertones, despite Frost being an agnostic.  I realized that even the easiest poems have a lot to think about. For example, even 'The Road Not Taken' is unclear in the ending, accordin...

As part of my Introduction to Literary Theory class, I had to read Sidney's 'Defence of Poesy.' Now, this post isn't about that work, but about what I think of poetry.  I think poetry is emotion. It is a way that someone can let loose and let themselves feel. It's a way to explain what can't be explained in prose and a way of showing how beautiful things can be, even if they are bad.  Poetry is not something that influences anyone, but it is something that can make readers think. It is not a way of influencing readers, but of provoking thought. Writing poetry is cathartic in the sense that it allows poets to express their thoughts, which might not be acceptable in other contexts.  To me, poetry is a way of telling people that I am hurt or that I want to share something, without having to do it directly. When I'm sad and can't write prose, poetry is easier because it does not need to be grammatical. I can use words the way I want, and it would be consider...

SAGA is what students call the cafeteria here. There was once a catering company named SAGA. No one knows what it actually stood for. However, the food was so bad that the students back then came up with a new meaning for the acronym. "The Soviet Attempt to Gag Americans."  I believe it is rightly named, not just Americans, but gag anyone. I shouldn't be complaining about food, but I can't help it right now. The food is often undercooked. The vegetables are raw, and it's not just the tomatoes and onions, it's mushrooms as well. Then, it's bland. There is no pepper or spice in the food, and the pepper on the tables do not serve.  Next, the food is sometimes mislabelled. A couple days ago, there was a board that said 'Naan bread, Punjabi tofu curry, Chicken tikka masala, and Cucumber raita.' I knew it wouldn't taste like actual Indian food, but I thought it would be close. But... it was tacos, corn, nachos, and baked beans. Nothing close to what ...

Today, I'm starting a part time job at the writing center. So, what is a writing center you might ask.  It's a place where students can come in to get their writing polished. We answer their questions and check to see if their writing meets the demands of their assignment. If not, we teach them how to fix it. Now, we don't rewrite it for them, but rather, we show them how to fix their writing. This way, we teach the writer, not the writing.  I'm super excited about this. I get to assist people to do something I love. I love writing and do it willingly. However, I know that writing, especially in English for international students, is hard. I'm looking forward to helping people love something I love, or at least making it easier for them.  Wish me luck!  (I know my posts are getting smaller as they go on, but there is a lot more homework here than I am used to and I'm trying to adapt to that.)

Cooking is an art and I am becoming an artist.  I never used to cook much back home, but now, it has become a skill necessary to survive in this new country. My friends and I are yet to adjust to the food here. We feel like it's greasy and bland. We can manage to eat it for a few days in a row, but eventually, it becomes hard to digest. Now that's where cooking comes in.  Today, the menu was paneer butter masala and chapathi for lunch and tamarind rice for dinner. I was pretty pleased with the results. When I tasted the food, I felt closer to home. It made me feel warm inside. Even though I haven't cooked before, I managed to make something that resembled what I was used to. I was also really happy that I could give that feeling of home food to my friends. 

When we think of Western culture, we believe they are very free with the use of euphemisms, bad language, and other related ideas. However, that is an idea propagated by the media.  In our attempts to be more 'western,' we are very free with euphemisms. It's hard to say anything without wondering who will point out some weird euphemism. We need to think a thousand times before saying anything, and in that process, we lose the essence of what we wanted to convey.  Similarly, we think we are becoming more 'western' when we use crass language in our regular conversations. In reality, people here don't use many 'bad words.' It is the media that makes us believe we can be more 'western' if we talk like them. However, if we try to be 'western,' we are losing our culture. We are losing our purity and dignity.  This is just a little something I've noticed over the past couple of weeks, and it got me thinking. We try to be western, but we are ...

Biting Pinching Shivering Wet Rain Sleet Snow Hail Wind Chatter Gusts Gale Now, I know this isn't really a poem, but rather just words listed out. But, today has been a really cold and rainy day here. I haven't adapted to the climate yet and I'm cold on a good day. People really love the air conditioning here, and it is so cold. Now, today was worse. I woke up this morning and it was dark and cloudy. I had to go get breakfast and it started pouring when I was in the cafeteria. I had to walk back to my dorm in the rain. As I got wet, I started shivering. I dried up and it happened again as I went to see a professor.  The sky has finally cleared up now, but I am still cold... 

Last night was my first "floor event." It basically means everyone from my dorm floor gets together to hang out and do an activity.  Last night, the activity was mirror decorating with paint and seashells and beads. It was so much fun and my mirrors turned out amazing. But that wasnt the best part. The best part of this was that it felt so calming.  I think there's something about painting and gluing things together that is really relaxing. Once you get into the rhythm, it's so peaceful and it takes your mind off everything else. The only things that esxist are you and your art. The people around you are invested in their own projects that they don't have time or energy to critique your work. Even if they do, it doesn't mean anything because you are doing this for no one but yourself. It's only to make you feel good. It's for you to create something you love.  I think that's really therapeutic. Ps... the mirrors I decorated are on the top of this p...

I have heard so many stereotypical questions over the past few weeks and I just wanted ot highlight some of the funniest ones I got here.  First, I wear a bindhi regularly. One day, as I was standing in line for lunch, some random person who I have never met before blurted out "Doesn't the red dot mean you are married?" I was in shock for a minute. Like... excuse me... I am only 19 years old. No I am not married. I quickly explained that that was a different red powder - kumkumam powder - and not this sticker. A few days before that, someone asked my the significance of the bindhi and I had to think before answering to make sure I didn't give them incorrect information.  Just yesterday, when someone heard I was from India, they asked me if there were Bengal Tigers roaming around my backyard. I had to take a pause here too. Firstly, most people in India don't have backyards because of the population needing more land to build houses on. Secondly, if there was a tig...

This morning, in my Introduction to Literary Studies class, I read a dialogue between Socrates and Phaedrus, written by Plato. There was a story in it about Theuth, the Egyptian God of writing and Thamous, a king.  Theuth started the discussion, stating that writing improves intelligence and memory. Thamous disagrees, stating that writing would lead to the loss of memory because people would rely more on aids, making them appear intelligent but they would not be smart in real life.  Now, my class and I got into a discussion about the downsides of written literature as opposed to oral tradition. The first point was that writing can go anywhere; it can spread to places where it would be inappropriate or irrelevant. Writing is indiscriminate of who it adresses and it is incapable of defending itself. For example, if we were to listen to a speech and we didn't like what someone said, we would talk to that person. But, if it were a book, it could not reply to us.  Now, these a...

I spent a large part of my day working on a little art project that helped me feel connected to home. So, I got the idea when I was painting the little photo frame yesterday. I wanted to assemble a little collage with pictures of the people I love. So, today, I went to the library - I love the library btw - and printed the pictures I needed.  I came back to my room, watched one of my favorite comfort shows, while assembling the collage. Seeing it on my wall now, in front of my desk, where I spend most of my time, makes me feel very warm and safe. It makes me feel like they are looking down on me, checking on me and making sure I am safe.  In a new place where you barely know anyone and everything feels alien, having some connection to your home is really important. This makes me feel like I can look at the people I love and talk to them and when I look into their eyes, its like they can hear me. Thats so beautiful and I love it so much. I love my little art project and it make...

Today was just another day, that started out like any other. However, as the day went by, I practiced some old skills and learned some new ones. First off, I cooked lunch with my friends and I was incharge of doing the dishes, something I never did back home. I was relieved to find out that I could do the dishes without making too much of a mess.  Then, a new friend I made taught me how to monetize my blog. He taught me how to import my content onto "Medium," which would eventually pay me to write. I worked on setting up a profile there. Please click the link below and follow me to show support guys.  https://medium.com/@Ijustwannabeagirl Then, I vacuumed my room and did some painting. I love artsy stuff and I was delighted to have time to do that again. 

A couple days ago, in my poetry class, my professor said "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me," and asked us to comment on it.  As we discussed, we realized that words hurt us more than physical attacks ever can. Words can't be taken back. Physical wounds can heal, and they will eventually dissapear. Memory isn't like that. We tend to hold on to things that made us feel sad or angry more than things that made us feel happy.  I think that statement might have been true a long time ago, but in todays world, where people are more free with their emotions, they tend to say things in anger that end up hurting the listener more than anything else. 

Last night, I cooked on my own for the first time. The homesickness finally kicked in. I wanted to eat something that reminded me of home, something warm and spiced.  I made something my mom usually makes, or atleast tried to recreate it. It didn't work, but I tried. As i was cooking, I inhaled the smell of the food and my eyes welled up with tears. It smelled like home.  I'm not someone who really likes staying home all the time, but I think home isn't really small place, I think it's bigger than that. In class, my professor asked me to describe how I knew I was home. I talked about the heat of Chennai, the humidity, the never ending sound of traffic, the smell of jasmine flowers, the smell of spices and tea, and the hot breeze.  Home isn't just my house. It's everything that welcomes me every morning. Here, the heat is dry. There isn't any moisture in the air. I'm used to the heat, but the lack of moisture makes it hard to breathe and I ended up missin...

Today was my first actual day of classes at LeTourneau University. My day started off pretty early, with my first class at 8am. The classes here are 80 minutes long, which is way longer than I am used to. However, the classes were pretty interesting and I managed to pay attention to the whole session without drifting away.  My first class was Introduction to Literary Studies. There were surprisingly only 5 people in my class. We started off with some introductions and looked into the syllabus. I was shocked to see a detailed plan for every single class mentioned in the syllabus, complete with the assigned reading and homework assignments.  My second class was right after that, at 9.30. It was English Comp I and we were going to be learning how to write better, which was something I was looking forward to - to learn to be a better writer than I already am.  Then, I had a long break in between classes, up until 3pm. However, I wanted to use that time well and make sure I wa...

I was so worried that people would be very judgmental or discriminatory.  I was shortly proven wrong. The people I met as soon as I got here were more understanding and accepting than the people I have ever met before. (Of course there are exceptions.) They are always willing to help, no matter what you need. They actually want to talk and hang out. They make an effort to include me in their days, to include me in their plans.  I really appreciate that. Being in a new country, it would have been really hard without people to talk to. I anticipated a lot of loneliness and searching for people to sit with at lunch. I didn't have to go through any of that, and I'm so so thankful for that. It's just made things calm and the transition has been smoother. 

Before you say anything, I didn't know it was a children's game guys.  Today, I had some free time and a friend and I decided to go borrow a game at the Student's Center. There were a lot of choices, but I saw the name 'Candyland' and I wanted to try it out. I thought there was more to it than just moving your pieces around. I thought it might be a little like 'LIFE' or 'Sorry.'  I was sorry mistaken. My friend and I finished one round in about 2 minutes.  Then, we went back to the room where the games were stacked to try to find something else. We decided to play 'Harry Potter Mystery' which was kind of like the game 'Clue.'  Now... This would have been fun, except that we didn't have a lot of time to play. Just as we got started, we realized that it was time for lunch.  So... We did play boardgames, but didn't have enough time to enjoy them. I hope to go back and play some more soon. Until then... 

So, there are people at LeTourneau from all around the world. And one of the things I noticed is that everyone here is very accepting and they help everyone out.  For example, there are people here who didn't know what a bunk bed was. When that came up, the Peer Advisors (PAs) were very nice and explained what it was. Similarly, when I said ladysfinger, they took the time to go look it up so they could understand what I was trying to convey. They were willing to watch a Tamil movie with me, even though they wouldn't understand it, just to make me feel more at home.  Today, someone asked me what a Bindhi is, and it just put this now into perspective. It made me think for a minute about exactly what it's purpose is. It's like people are learning about everyone else's cultures.  The thing is, there is a large international community, which offers a platform for everyone to feel comfortable. No one person or culture is singled out, because every single person is unique....

Today, we had a nice little game night. There were board games, card games, and.... Drumroll please... A bracelet making station. I beelined for it, and it took me back to my childhood. My little sister and I loved makiybeaded bracelets when we were young and this was a walk down memory lane. I sat down and grabbed the elastic thread. I picked out a bunch of letters to add words to my bracelets. I had so so much fun and I was really fast. Once I ran out of ideas for myself, I asked other people what I should do next.  One of my new friends, Trey, asked me to make him a bracelet and I got that done quickly too. I did a couple more for friends and then I was heading to dinner.  Right outside the cafeteria, two of my other new friends showed up and I flaunted my bracelets. They wanted one with their name on it and I said I'd make them one next time we had the chance.  There was a guy walking by and just called out 'I want one too.' I turned around and said 'Sur...

So... the reigning treasure hunt champ's reign continues. We had a scavenger hunt as part of our orientation here. We went all around the campus, looking for clues that would also serve as a tour of the college.  My two favorite parts of this tour/hunt were the library and the performance theatre.  The theatre was part of the Belcher Center. It was the huge kind of theatre auditorium that you see in shows and movies. There were tiered seating arrangements and I could almost feel the echoes around it.  The library was also amazing. A good library is something that I've always longed for. It was quiet, peaceful, bright, and inviting. I loved it.  Other than that, on the scavenger hunt, we collected little prizes from the different places where we found clues. We got beaded necklaces, a cowboy hat, and a bandana, true to the stereotypical identity of the state of Texas.  I thought the campus was huge, but it was actually smaller than MCC. It only seemed big because...

So, there's this thing I learned about in orientation called Title 9. One point from the explanation that I picked up is that people can be put in jail for something like catcalling or flirting when the opposite party is unwilling.  So... this got me thinking. This problem exists everywhere. We always see women, or even men these days, being catcalled or whistled at. They are called hot or bodyshamed at random. And these are strangers who do this.  I was wondering if this kind of law exists in India, and if so, is it enforced? This was mentioned in the orientation, which means that it is enforced and taken seriously here. I felt like something like this could really help in other cties around the world. It's like something for women to fall back on when they need it. They can rely on the idea that someone is watching out for them and that they can talk about these kind of problems and make sure that they are safe.  Anyway... I'm not sure if this post is meant to bring any...

So... when I was getting ready to come here, my professor (Waves to my teacher) told me that this experience wasn't only going to be academic, but be cultural as well. And... all day, when we had orientation sessions, I was thinking about what he said.  So... here's what I noticed. Firstly, there's something that a lot of our professors at MCC do... they say we are super absorbed in our phones all the time, then reminisce about their good old days before technology. Here, the professor who told us to be alert while walking for safety reasons, said that she too was guilty of being on her phone all the time. That was something that shocked me. Like... a professor admitting that is unheard of at MCC. Next, the clothing style. So... when we think of Americans, we think of short, skimpy, or tight clothing. Yes, this is a stereotype, but it's something that I think a lot of people believe. But... when I showed up for orientation, I saw very baggy clothes. It made ...

I'm here!!! LeTourneau University, here I am.  After hours of long travel and bad meals, I'm finally here. As I drove into campus, my stomach tumbled. It was so so beautiful. (I didn't get the chance to take any pictures yet, but I'll share them soon). The campus was so peaceful... it was serene. It felt exhilarating.  I checked into my room and went to my building. It looked pretty bare to begin with. The bed was bare and my drawers were empty - as expected. However, it felt lonely and cold. My roommate wasn't in either.  My dad's friend and his family were there to drop me off, but once they were gone, it finally settled in that I was all alone there. I decided to unpack to make it feel more like home. Which was a great decision. Once I did, my room felt so much better and inviting. 

Today, I'm beginning a new journey. I'm travelling across the Atlantic on my own, heading to LeTourneau University in Texas for a semester abroad. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous right now. I'm about to get on a plane and end up in a place I've never been before and be with people I've never met before.  On the other hand, I'm super excited. I've never lived away from home before, and I'm really looking forward to this amazing opportunity. I'm sure there are things I will find hard, but isn't learning how to do those things part of the experience?  Initially, I wanted to go here on a whim, but now, it has become more. I want to go to experience life, to make mistakes and learn from them, to become a better person. I want to learn how to be bolder, more confident, and braver. I want to learn how to deal with people who annoy me and learn how to not let them bother me. I want to experience college in a form I'm not used to...

This session was by far the best session I've conducted so far. This week, we took the kids outside for a change. We settled them on a raised dias and all the children crowded around me.  We started the session with the Macarena dance to energize them and to help them settle in for the story. They were so loud that the groups around us were distracted, as they counted the steps for Macarena with us.  The story I told was the story of the Happy Prince. The children renamed the prince "Prince Jijo," after one of my teammates. Some of the kids listened intently while others were not very interested in the tale.  After the story, we gave the children a word search and jumbled words activity. My teammates thought the kids wouldn't be interested in that kind of activity, but they were proven wrong. Some kids took the sheets, went to a quiet spot, and solved them all on their own. I was so shocked when one of them finished their activity sheet all by themselves and brought i...

So, my department has a new Service Learning Program called "Happy Feet." It's a dance therapy group. Today was this program's first session.  I didn't know what to expect, but I wanted to check it out to show my support, since I know how hard it is to start and organize a service learning program.  I was helping out with the registration and getting consent forms signed before the session started. Once it got started, there was no stopping it. Once the participants got comfortable, they soared like caged birds released. The student coordinator, Panimalar, and the staff coordinator, our favourite Phebe Mam were amazing. They were really enthusiastic and welcoming.  This program was meant for people who don't know how to dance, and the coordinators made sure those people felt comfortable stepping out of their comfort zones. We started out with a basic dance and then went on to freestyle and using dance as a form of communication rather than just something we le...

Last week, I said that the kids were well-behaved angels. This week was the complete opposite. There were some other issues that the team and I had to iron out, so we were a little late going to class. In those few minutes, it was as if some spirit possessed the kids in my grade. They were running all around the room, jumping on tables, and were overenergized.  We found it really hard to control the children and keep them engaged. We tried to tell them the story of the shoemaker and the elves. The kids listened from time to time, but it was hard to keep it for a long time.  We did manage to finish the story and teach the kids some vocabulary. We ended the session with a drawing of an elf. 

Today's session was way better than the last week. We were able to conduct a lot of activities and engage the kids. My team told the story "Varun the Wolf." The kids loved the story, especially since they hadn't heard it before.  In between the story, we taught kids vocabulary based on the story, like 'forest,' 'tree,' 'wolf,' etc. There was one kid who wrote down every word I taught him, which felt really gratifying.  Then, we played a lot of games. Even though they weren't related to the story, it helped us keep the kids engaged and kept their attention on us. We concluded the session with a drawing of a wolf, and taught the kids body parts with the "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" song.  I really liked the energy the children had today. Their joy and energy cheered me up and I really appreciated the kids for that. 

For the first time, I dressed up in a traditional outfit today. I've worn saris before, but this was different. It was a kurta with a proper dupatta. Everyone who told me I don't look like a girl or act like a girl was proven wrong today. They were shocked to see me 'prettied up.' They said I looked like a 90s heroine, like a very elegant woman.  That got me thinking... what does a woman actually need to feel feminine? Is it flowers or pretty clothes? Is it princess treatment or being chauffeured around? Does she need to be well cared for, or praised and complimented all day?  I don't think so. In my opinion, all she needs is for someone to not comment on her femininity. To feel feminine, she wants people not to tell her that she doesn't act like a girl or look like a girl. She wants people not to tell her that she looks fat or short, because there are so many kinds of women. She wants people to let her be herself, to feel confident in her womanhood.  Femininity...

Today was the first day of the Service Learning Program for the year 2025-26. We had a much bigger team than last year, and I was very much looking forward to getting back into the classroom.  We arrived en masse and quickly split ourselves up into our groups. This year, we had a special group for Hindi students. This made sure they felt involved and enjoyed the sessions as much as the other kids did.  I felt like every class other than mine made good progress today. I was in the third-grade class, and the kids were overjoyed to see me again. However, their excitement made it hard for them to settle down. We had a very short story to share with them. Once that was over, the kids started jumping all over us again. We managed to gain some semblance of control with a few games. One of our vocabulary words was "Volcano," which we turned into a game. Then, we played Chinese Whisper with the words from our story. Following that, we made the children dance to "Twinkle Twinkle L...