Not Every Platform Is an Invitation

The other day, someone DM'd me on LinkedIn. At first, I thought it was someone looking to create a genuine professional connection, because I have received connections like that before. However, this person decided to ask me if I was married. When I told him that this was LinkedIn, not a dating app, he said, ‘this is a private chat, right?’

LinkedIn is supposed to be a place where people can make connections that could help them further their career. People list their qualifications and share their professional achievements, hoping someone will boost their career. Somewhere in the middle of that, someone decided that my relationship status was a legitimate way to start a conversation. Why should a professional connection be treated as a romantic opening?

Apparently, the fact that he was messaging me privately was reason enough to disregard the context in which we had connected. But a private message doesn’t change the purpose of the platform, nor does it automatically make a personal question appropriate. I was on LinkedIn to build professional connections, not to discuss my marital status with a stranger. The fact that he could send me a message did not mean that I had invited that kind of conversation.

Unfortunately, LinkedIn isn’t the only place where this happens. You might think it’s okay to approach a girl like this on Instagram, because she posts pictures and stories. I got a text from someone who doesn’t follow me, nor do I follow him. It’s as if your online visibility means you are also available to be approached and pursued, even if you have no intent whatsoever.

The message was from someone who claimed to be my secret admirer and admitted to having seen me around the city. I’m not sure what reaction he expected from me, but I can assure you that it wasn’t the one he intended. There is a difference between expressing interest in someone and telling a stranger that you’ve been seeing them around. What one person might imagine as the beginning of a romantic story can easily become an uncomfortable experience for someone else. Not every interaction needs to be a meet-cute, and not every stranger needs to be a potential love interest.

Perhaps we’ve become too accustomed to romanticising persistence. Books, films, and social media often portray people who refuse to give up as devoted, turning unwanted attention into proof of affection. But we rarely stop to consider what happens when the person on the receiving end doesn’t want to be pursued. We seem to forget that we are not the protagonists of everyone else’s lives, and that someone else’s ordinary day doesn’t have to become an opportunity for us to make a romantic gesture. Just because you can contact someone doesn’t mean you should, and just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean they owe you their attention.

Relationships can begin in unexpected places, and there’s nothing wrong with expressing interest respectfully. But there is a difference between making an advance and assuming that someone is available for one. LinkedIn is not a dating app, Instagram is not an invitation, and a public profile is not an open offer for personal attention. We need to learn that being able to reach someone is not the same as being entitled to reach them. Not every platform is an invitation, and not every person you come across online is looking for you.